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Blood work

Today started off just fine.  I woke up at a relatively normal time, felt good and was ready to start the day.  Until I realized I couldn't eat breakfast.  I am a major breakfast eater, and turn into a she-devil if you keep it away from me.  It's not so much that I'm hungry in the morning, necessarily, but come 10 or 11am, if I haven't eaten it becomes very noticeable to just about everyone this side of the Mississippi.  I had my annual exam at 11:10, and because I'm interested in seeing how much cholesterol lowering medication I'm going to need go to on (and prepare to send the bill to my enablers. You know who you are) I made the wonderful decision to skip breakfast and let the medical tech poke me with a needle. 


Someone pointed out to me that fasting is the reason to schedule your appointments very early in the morning.  Well that's all fine and dandy, but also the reason I had this appointment to begin with: my last appointment was at 8:45 and due to a bit of sleeping in, traffic on 35, and a tight schedule, I arrived at 9:05 and was told that was too little, too late.  Hence, the reschedule (over a month later might I add). 


The blood withdrawl went as planned, I was poked and prodded and looked at, and was sent on my merry way.  This is when things became problematic. I'm going to go as far as to say my brain doesn't work at all if I don't eat breakfast.  I was in Edina and couldn't for the life of me figure out where I was going to go eat.  So I just got in my car and drove, ending up at Costco in The West End of St Louis Park, and tried every sample they had to offer, hoping it would sate me enough to make a fricken decision.  On my way out I saw a Panera bread sign and thought to mysef "FINE!" 


Sometimes being a stubborn ass isn't worth giving up decently okay foodstuffs.  At least it would be consistent.


As I walked up to the door all I could focus on was the poster depicting what looked to be a Caprese salad and then there, on the menu it was listed "Tomato, Mozzerella and Basil Salad"... aka, suburban caprese.  Fabulous.  I ordered that along with a Black Bean soup and took my seat at the counter waiting for my buzzer to buzz.  As I approached the counter I knew something was wrong.  That was a big bowl of lettuce, topped with mealy tomatoes and THREE fucking balls of fresh mozzerella.  I'm fairly confident there was actually more fat free Italian salad dressing on that salad than there was mozzerella.  And of course, croutons.


WHY DO PEOPLE MESS WITH PERFECTION?  CHEESE, TOMATOES, BASIL!  IT'S SO FUCKING EASY!!!!!!! And the black bean soup?  Of course.  OF COURSE they put a 1/2 cup of cumin in their Black Bean soup and lunch was rendered inedible. Fortunately for me they gave me a half pound chunk of multigrain bread which I slathered with three teenie tiny packs of butter so that I could get the energy to walk out of that place, leaving piles of terrible food just sitting on the counter. 


Needless to say, I haven't really recovered from my lunch experience.  I'm still hungry, but have no motivation to eat, or perhaps fear that anything I do eat will be as utterly disappointing as that ridiculous lunch.


Now, I know what you're thinking:  "What a fucking snob, eat your shitty salad dressing like a big girl and shut up already."  I would like to point out that I truely enjoy about 10,000 things that don't make me a goddamn snob.  So I'm putting together a list to keep me in your good graces after I just chewed out Panera.


1) MSG.  I love the stuff.  It's like crack to me.  Give me a bag of Cool Ranch Dorito chips and that bag WILL be gone, regardless of size.  This actually probably encapsulates a lot of trashy items I like, but Doritos and Earl's really take the cake here.

2) McDonald's

Though I dont' actually eat there, I would eat the hell out of a Filet'o'Fish any day of the week.  And McDonald's breakfast?  Don't even get me started.  Fat? Sodium? Cholesterol?  Bring it on.


3) Shake'n'bake

Pork chops, specifically.


4) Ranch dressing

On anything.  Including Pizza


5) Tostidos Salsa con Queso

This is almost as bad as Ranch.  Eggs, chips, burritos, straight out of the jar...


6) Lalli's Pizza in Milwaukee, WI

I haven't had this in years, but I still dream about it


7) Pickles wrapped in cream cheese and ham


8) Mini corn dogs


9) Strawberry Quik


10) BBQ meatballs


There, okay? I like disgustingly tasty things.  Now somebody get me some wine.

Reader Comments (15)

This super made me laugh. I actually heard a commercial for that salad and thought of you the other day! Also, salsa con queso, mmmm. And it totally reminds me of our days in the chateau for some reason:-)

July 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNicki

Have you ever had the Ranch Dude from Galactic Pizza? Love that pizza

July 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTom

Strawberry Quik? I will take responsibility for everything else, but NOT strawberry Quik!

July 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPam

I kinda like Panera....

July 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKassie

Fine, if you're confessing, I'll lunch today: pickles wrapped in cream cheese slathered salami (all an effort to eat up party leftovers) + cheetos + gatorade. Yep. So healthy, so nutritious and all that. ;)

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal


Potato oles rock - thank goodness Taco John's are so few and far between, although I did give in to the temptation a couple months ago when I was departing Alexandria. Still as good as ever.

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKris

Every once in awhile a McDonald's Happy Meal makes me happy!

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLoveFeast Table

Nicki, right on about the Ranch Dude at Galactic! I could eat that every day.

I love Chipotle burritos. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRandy

Boxed mac n cheese. Only Kraft and only character shapes. If I'm having a really rough day, I will use all of the butter that the original prep calls for, and I don't think twice about eating the whole box. Serve with a side of canned fruit cocktail with extra cherries. Top it all off with a pack of Oreo Cakesters and a big glass of 2% milk. Even though I'm a vegetarian and I haven't had these in years, I still crave Totino's pepperoni pizza rolls & McChickens.

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

*gulp* Let's all be transparent.

Taco Doritos
Chile Cheese Fritos
Black olives (yep... from a can)
Ambassador All Beef hot dogs (the ONLY kind I can eat)
Lucky Charms
Apple Jacks
Wendy's Chicken Nuggets
BK's French Fries

For the record, I never eat the last two items anymore, but at one point I craved them something fierce. I also don't eat the cereal, but if an open box gets in my way, oh lordy I will devour it until it's gone.

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Oh boy.
Nacho cheese doritos + dr.pepper (only when I'm hungover), hot tamales, peanut m&ms, that really crappy (but delicious) garlic bread from the freezer section, spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's, and potato ole's from Taco Johns, and most importantly BLIZZARDS!
Everything else I eat is healthy, fresh and local. ;)

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRae Alexis

All the items you mentioned further reinforce the fact that you are utterly, and completely a total food snob. sorry, but one must face facts, from time to time.

I appreciate the sentiment about simple, as in the salad. Whenever I decided to feel good about the human race I will stumble into some place that proves we are all such a lazy bunch of shits, just make it fucking nice, taste it that's all.

July 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commentershefzilla

Interesting read, quite funny. Not a fan of bad language, but I chose to read on so my own fault if this is how you talk. Does your mother know you talk like that. Sorry an inside joke.

July 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMedifast Program

Mom: It was totally Dad's fault. He had it in the cupboard when you started dating and I thought it was gods gift to sugary treats.

Nicki: I think I owe you a costco sized tub of salsa con queso. I definitely ate way more than my fair share (even though I'm sure I never bought it)

Tom: I will make it a life goal to try that out asap!

Kassie: I believe that apple from Panera corrected your opinion of the place.

Crystal: we should concoct an amazing recipe for cream cheese pickle rollups and have a mn food blogger photoshoot. Brilliant, no?

Stewart: Yes, I am a food snob and I don't fucking care, give me some doritos

Medifast: I learned to swear from my mother, so obviously she knows I do it. I try not to be too sweary in my posts, but as I mentioned, I was a little out of whack with the blood sugar. Thanks for not taking it too personally, I wasn't swearing at you, I promise

July 15, 2010 | Registered CommenterKate N.G. Sommers

Your naughty food list almost mirrors mine! I saw someone mention Earl's up top which happens to be both MSG-tacular and AMAZING! Also, this is the second food blog this week that has mentioned the Fillet-o-Fish as a guilty pleasure which is awesome because I thought I was the only one. It's great to not feel so alone all the time (despite the fact that I've been on a McDonald's boycott for several years (although I indulge about once a year))!

- Kyn_a

August 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKyn_a

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